smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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