You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
