I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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