I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He passed out mid-signature
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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