just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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