I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
