I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
