the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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