I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
