I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
