I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
