i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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