fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
