After last night, I could never be a politician.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
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