i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
