Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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