I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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