I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I smell stomach acid.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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