You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize