You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
