i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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