If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
