I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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