at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
