A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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