I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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