I feel great
I just peed on a car
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
