I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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