Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
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