I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize