When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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