we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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