the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
