I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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