My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
