4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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