there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize