I wish I could teleport
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
