new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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