At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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