My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
