He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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