Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
