The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
