Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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