I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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