i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She told me I should be a condom model.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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