every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
