i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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