I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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