I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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