Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize