why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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