Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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