Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
